This week was a whirlwind if ever there was one. It felt like all of my professors rallied together and decided to make this the week of hell, meaning EVERYTHING was due. Although my head feels very sleep deprived and I slipped on my pledge to become caffeine free, it all feels pretty good. I gave three presentations, turned in three papers and took one exam. The best part of it all? I feel good about everything I turned in. I worked hard, and this feeling paid off. Let’s just hope I do well on all of this stuff!
Next year I will be attending graduate school and working full-time, somewhere, anywhere at this point! My life is on the precipice of extreme busy, not that I’m not busy now. Before I was terrified of not having enough time to see the people that I care about, or be able to have a quiet afternoon for myself. Yet, now that I have done college for 4 years I really do feel confident in handing high stress levels. I am excited for what is about to come my way, eager to dip my toes into it, and confidant that I will be successful.
I feel good. I think I needed this.
The future is this scary, lingering presence in all of our lives. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, it’s there. It taunts us when a job interview falls short or that relationship you thought was “the one” fell through. Immediately, when something that was supposed to be in our future no longer is, we are forced to reconsider everything about ourselves. Ultimately, we question who we are to become.
Recently, I made a big decision for myself. I picked a graduate school. One might think that being accepted into the two schools that I applied to would have been a dream, and in some ways it was. It gave me the security of future. It gave me a sense of accomplishment. It gave me a feeling of confidence in my chosen path. One thing I didn’t foresee in this decision, were the things I couldn’t predict. If I chose to pin myself down to the Twin Cities for another two years then that’s it. I’m stuck. There will be no jetting off to a new city, or country to see the world that I have always wanted to see. Two years isn’t that long. I know that. Yet, I still get scared that the world around me, and the people around me will all move on, and I will still be here, twiddling my thumbs, eagerly waiting for my degree so I too can join the masses. There is one person in particular that weighed heavy on my decision. Our future is unknown. Which can be exhilarating, yet terrifying. How do I plan for something that I am unsure of its future? How can I predict what is best for me, when I can’t predict what is best for “us?”
All of these questions were rattling around in my mind for the past few weeks. I started looking into programs that would churn out my degree at a faster pace, so as to free myself up, in order to be with him. When I saw what I was doing, I had to stop. If we truly love each other, and wish to make it work, we will. I don’t need to compromise my educational plans to accommodate his plan. Nor does he need to do the same for me. Whatever he chooses I will support, and I know he will do the same for me.
I had it all wrong. I have had it all wrong. The future is scary. Yes. But, it is also refreshing to know that it isn’t set in stone. We make our own futures, alone or with another. But, they are still ours and made on our own accord.