It has been more than two years since I last posted. Recently, I made a commitment to myself to revisit the things that once gave me joy. Writing is one of them. Monday through Friday I teach a classroom full of 10th graders how to write. The academic writing that I teach revolves around structure, format, grammar, claims, theses, etc. What I miss is the journey of narrative writing. The cracks and crevices of language that live deep beneath the surface of characters on a page. I miss the freedom of writing without a clear path in mind; not knowing where the words will take you.
For the past few years, I have allowed stability to run my life. I sought structure and routine, and in doing so, I forgot the parts of myslef that allow creativity to take hold.
A “hiatus” is defined as a pause or gap in a sequence, series or process. The two years have just been a pause, not a stop, not a standstill, just a pause. Today, I choose to resume the parts of my life that I allowed to wane. It’s never too late to revisit the parts of yourself that make you, you.
So, I have been working as an elementary school teacher for the past year now, and part of me is having doubts about this career path. Some days I come into work and feel so inspired and passionate about what I am doing with these young students. Other days I peer down at my pitiful excuse of a paycheck and wonder why I signed up for this.
Just this morning I was surfing around job board postings online to see what options there are out there. What astounded me was that a personal assistant position was going to pay 70K, provide a car, a cell phone, and there is no required education level. Currently? I am pursuing my masters degree and I only see money slipping out of my account and not coming back in at nearly the same rate.
I didn’t chose education for the money. I knew that going in I wouldn’t be living a lavish lifestyle. But, sometimes at the age of 23 I want to be exploring the world, traveling and enjoying this time in my life where I have ultimate freedom. I worry that I have chosen my path too soon, and settled too quickly into something that I love, but I don’t know if it’s what I want to do forever. I don’t know.
I really love to write, and despite knowing that I can still come home every day and write and continue to work on pieces that I have been creating over long periods of time … it’s still hard to get up in the morning.
If you have every felt like you are going in the wrong direction, or have gotten cold feet about a major life decision please comment below. I hope I am not alone in all of this!
I’ve come realize that I’m the kind of person who claims to know a lot about life–and love. So I am gong to continue to assume that I know everything about love … here goes.
I don’t understand those who dive head first into a new relationship with no regard for life they had before, particularly the people that were in their life before. Isn’t it amazing that we give up handfuls of friends for the companionship of one person? Endless evenings drinking wine with your best girlfriends, dancing around the living room in nothing but your underwear with your roommates, rollerblading through the streets of Minneapolis in outfits that would make a carnival act look twice, are all thrown away for the assumption that what you have with this person is going to last you a lifetime. My fondest memories are those that I had with my friends. I have a lifetime of memories with the same people. They aren’t my back burner friends, they aren’t my just-in-case friends, they are my forever people.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the warmth of sleeping next to him body and waking up to a kiss. But even despite my wildest fantasies, I cannot predict the future of this, or what it will become. There is no telling that we will both love each other as fiercely as we do now five years from today, or even five months. It’s all a reflection of love’s precariousness.
A friend of mine started dating someone last summer. He’s a good enough guy and they seem happy. But her life is no longer centered around being their for her friends, something she used to claim was the most important thing to her. Her days now are lived out in the solace of her bedroom with only him to hear her words. It’s all just fucking weird, right? She hasn’t known this person for a year, she is 22, and is moving in with him planning out the rest of their lives together. He has lost all the people he used to call his friends, and her friends are quickly dwindling in numbers. It all seems so lonely.
I can only imagine what my home will look like someday. A small, vine-covered cottage, perhaps? Or one of those alarmingly modern boxes, full of windows, somehow resembling the life of a goldfish? I don’t know the material it will be made out of, or the neighborhood it will reside in. But, I know that I want it to be full. Full of all the people in my life that I love, and that have stuck me through it all. I don’t want to walk through that door and see only one person. I want to see a family of people. People who remind me where I came from, how I’ve grown, and give me comfort that they will be with me for all future days. That’s what I want to see on my way home.
When I started this blog I didn’t really know what I wanted. Other than to carve my own little space into the vast internet world. I had big dreams of becoming a lifestyle blogger and DIY extraordinaire, or maybe finding a hidden knack for photography that I never knew existed. I had all of these ideas, and none of them came into fruition. The more I blogged, the more I came to realize that this blog wasn’t going to be filled with craft projects and fun ikea furniture makeovers, but it was going to be filled with all of the thoughts rattling around in my somewhat dysfunctional mind. I like writing about love and life in the present moment … both things I won’t claim to know much about.
I am just excited that I feel like I have finally discovered what this blog is going to be …
A personal expedition of this crazy thing that we call life. A blip of my life spelled out into words, sentences and paragraphs for those of you who have any interest at all in delving into it.
For what it’s worth … I appreciate all of the support that I have experiences thus far. May this journey continue, may my writing flourish and may you all continue to stumble on my little space in the vast internet world.
This week was a whirlwind if ever there was one. It felt like all of my professors rallied together and decided to make this the week of hell, meaning EVERYTHING was due. Although my head feels very sleep deprived and I slipped on my pledge to become caffeine free, it all feels pretty good. I gave three presentations, turned in three papers and took one exam. The best part of it all? I feel good about everything I turned in. I worked hard, and this feeling paid off. Let’s just hope I do well on all of this stuff!
Next year I will be attending graduate school and working full-time, somewhere, anywhere at this point! My life is on the precipice of extreme busy, not that I’m not busy now. Before I was terrified of not having enough time to see the people that I care about, or be able to have a quiet afternoon for myself. Yet, now that I have done college for 4 years I really do feel confident in handing high stress levels. I am excited for what is about to come my way, eager to dip my toes into it, and confidant that I will be successful.
I feel good. I think I needed this.
While I was away …. I went out to the bars with two of my roommates and best friends
Spent an afternoon at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts (MIA)
And tried my hand at ice skating … not very successfully I might add
I am going to try to update with photographs more often, thinking I will call it “Life According to my iPhone” – playing around with the title, haha. But, stay tuned!
Wow. I haven’t been here in quite some time. Probably having to do with the holiday season, one semester closing and another beginning and my applications to graduate school all coming to a head at one time. Good news is that I will be attending Hamline University next fall to begin my Masters in Education. This is such a pinnacle time for me in my life and in my career. I am just so eager to begin my journey as a teacher. But, I suppose I should get my education first!
I think with so many changes brewing in my life it has caused me to make some really conscious decisions as to what type of person I want to be. Recently, I have been finding more comfort in reading for pleasure than I have in a really long time. It started as a simple goal for myself; to instead of constantly going to the television to unwind I would first try to read. Happily, I have seen a great change in my work ethic because of doing this. I suppose you could call it my New Years resolution, of sorts.
I want to become the person that I have always wanted to be; cultured, well-read, interesting and overall just happy. I have started to exercise on a more consistent basis and am trying to put only good, healthy foods into my body (ice cream is and will always remain to be my downfall, however).
Recently, my sister went through a pretty big break-up. She and her boyfriend were living together, so when they decided to split her entire world was shaken. Now, she is back living with my parents in the basement. It’s so difficult to see. I really saw her putting her life together with this guy, and now that he is no longer it also causes their plans to be obliterated as well. Now, she is thinking of going back to school and getting her degree. I wholeheartedly support this. Everyone’s path doesn’t follow a chronological map. There is no timetable. So, although she is 24 going on 25 that should be no reason for her not to want to go to school and earn her 4-year degree.
Change is good. Change is what pushes us to never settle. This is not to say that I wasn’t happy with the person I was last year, six months ago, or even ten years ago. It’s simply my way of recognizing the parts of my life that I seek to change, and working toward that goal. Never shy away from what you could be and settle for who you are. Sometimes, like for my sister, your world gets rocked by a person, a situation or an unfortunate circumstance. And it’s in those times that we have to muster all of our strength and persevere. I’m excited to see where this year will take me, and my sister. It’s going to be an interesting one, that’s for sure.