For the first time, in … well, as long as I can remember, I’m completely at peace. School is nearing an end and my plans for the future are slowly becoming more concrete. Working as a barista is simple, and certainly has it’s perks (pun intended). My baby blue house fronted in grandiose white pillars is home to the greatest friends a girl could ask for. And, I have found someone that I can be completely myself with. Someone who showers me in laughter and love. Someone who is patient, kind, and asks for nothing in return.
Yes, I’m at peace. But, I’m fucking terrified.
I just finished watching Sex and the City, the movie, with my roommates. (A cliche girls night, I know). If you have ever seen the movie you know that Carrie has found her Mr. Big and in the midst of planning their day of wedded bliss they both lose sight of what they have, take it for granted, and watch it slip away. As I stuffed my face with sushi and tasted salty tears as they dripped into my mouth, I realized how scared I really am.
I can’t help but fear that I’m merely living out my blissful days, oblivious and just waiting for it to slip away. With men, I have historically built up what felt like a bomb shelter between me and them. I protected my heart as though someone were waiting on the other side, ready to shoot a bullet clean through it. This barricade kept me from ever feeling much of anything. This time is different. There is no shelter, there is no barricade, there isn’t even a measly picket fence. It’s all me. Just me.
The thought of losing all of this is what keeps me up at night, wrapped in worry for the unknown.
Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and see into the future, just for a moment, just to make sure that I’m going to be happy. If I know that, well, that’s all I really need. It’s a scary business, falling in love. Maybe that’s why they call it “falling,” maybe it’s synonymous with a “free-fall.” No barriers, no support, no protection. Just you, him, the fear of the unknown, and the hope that someday you will reach that day of bliss without losing sight of what’s important, without taking it for granted and never letting it slip away.
coffee for one 